Last Resort
by Carrot3
Summary: Songfic..NNY thinks about his existence. Lots o' bad language. No Rev.MEAT or anything, jut NNY and himself. I like papa roach.I also changed the rating from R to PG-13 'cause I wasn't getting very many reviews on the "R" thing. WOO!


"another cold, lonely night."  
  
Johnny said to himself out loud. He stood at his semi-boarded up window, as he stared out into space, marvelling at the moon and the stars in all their glory. It was all beautiful, except for the fact that he had nothing. he had no one to share it with. he was alone.  
  
"I've really fucked up. Why the hell do I even bother, anymore?" he said aloud, again.  
"I'm a puppet to emotion. a goddamned puppet! Controlled. and alone. What's it all so screwed up? Shit..I just want to end it. Shut me off."  
  
cut my life into pieces, I've reached my last resort, suffocation, no breathing. Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding...  
  
He covered his face with is hands. He slid to the floor and rested his head on his knees, making the air around him grow hot with each breath. Making it harder to breathe. He sighed heavily, and lifted his head to look around. the moonlight shone in brilliantly, casting ghostly shadows around the room. everywhere he looked, there was a shadow. a face. of someone he had killed. no, would anyone care if he killed himself? probably not. he messed up with Devi, why should she care? he had nothing to live for. just pain.  
  
would it be wrong, would it be right? If I took my own life tonight chances are that I might...  
  
he drew a knife from his boot, and held it tightly in his hand, turning it ever so slightly from side to side, admiring the glimmering of the blade in the moonlight. he slid a finger across the blade, making a clean cut. he watched for a few seconds, waiting to see if anything would emerge or sot. Red, deep crimson red began to flow.  
  
"So. I bleed too. Then I'm like everyone else! I BLEED! THEN WHY AM I ALONE?"  
  
He burst out in a fit of anger and depression.  
  
"FUCK! Why can't I be happy? JUST ONCE?"  
  
he screamed out.   
  
"WHO THE FUCK WOULD CRY FOR ME IF I DIED?"  
  
Mutilation out of sight and I'm contemplating suicide...  
  
"Who...the..who the fuck will cry for me?"  
  
Johnny shut his eyes tightly as tears began to come. they came one by one, making their way down his face, to his lips, dripping off of his chin. He didn't make any noise, he didn't breathe heavily, he just stood there, hand bleeding, tears streaming, and his mind a swirl of hate for society and hate for himself.  
  
Cause I'm loosing my sight, loosing my mind, wish somebody would tell me I'm fine, nothing's all right, nothing is fine, I'm running and I'm crying..  
  
"Damnit..I'm too far gone. Redemption for me is unachievable. So why don't I just do it? So easy...just to slit my own throat. quick and painless. I'm not a fucking waste lock anymore. I can die forever...I'm broken for good."  
  
Johnny fell to his knees, shaking his head in disgust at the wave of emotion he had just allowed himself to feel. It was then, when he felt that emotion, that he truly wanted t be shut off forever. No more games, no more resurrections. Just to die was all he needed. But why couldn't he do it? what was holding him back?  
  
I never realized I was spread too thin, Till it was too late and I was empty within, hungry, feeding on chaos and living in sin...downward spiral...now where do I begin?...  
  
He lashed out at himself mentally.  
  
"Why? What was the purpose for all that killing? Your hands are stained forever! Your sins can never be erased."  
  
memories began to flash back at him. He remembered a little, now. It was so long ago, the pictures were fuzzy.   
  
It all started when I lost my mother, no love for myself, no love for another...  
  
There was a man..and..a lady..Johnny stood in front of them both, so afraid, not knowing what to do. the man was hitting the woman, she was screaming. Johnny was about eight, then. This man..was not his father.. the woman he recognized as his mother. Johnny's eyes were welled up with tears as his mother screamed and cried and begged the man to stop. he saw hands...around her neck. Her voice became more and more muffled.   
  
"John..god, go geAHHGH! GO NOW!!"  
  
He was afraid. He backed into a corner, shaking. his hand came down on something sharp and cold. It was a knife. He gripped it and scrunched down into the corner. He hid the knife behind his back. The man approached him, a malicious grin on his face, like he was proud of what he had done. Johnny's eyes took on a fire, one of anger and hate. The man spoke to him.  
  
"Get over here, you shit-sack. "  
  
These words pierced Johnny's heart. He grew infuriated, and lingered at the man, slamming the blade straight into the man's chest. He jumped back, glaring at the screaming man. he fell tot he floor, the knife going completely through his back, making cracking noises as it hit bones. Johnny stood there, watching as the pool of blood grew. the memory faded out.  
  
Searching to find love upon a higher level, finding nothing but questions and devils...  
  
Johnny sat there, knife still in hand, the blood an his hand beginning to dry. he stared at it, then spoke to himself again.  
  
"And I fucked it all up with Devi. I loved her. I think she loved me. It was screwed up. I'm just a puppet. A slave...I hate these damned emotions. She loved me..."  
  
  
  
Cause I'm loosing my sight, loosing my mind, wish somebody would tell me I'm fine, nothing's all right, nothing is fine, I'm running and I'm crying. I can't go on living this way...  
  
Johnny sighed heavily, and shook his head. the sun was coming up already. he had spent all night, trying to think of a good reason to kill himself, and his tombstone was gone. The moon was to be his tombstone. If he were to die, he'd die with it. He'd set with the moon as the sun rose.  
  
"Fuck..morning already...I need a brainfreezy."  
  
FINI  
  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N: OH GOD..WHA  
T THE HELL WAS I ON WHEN I WROTE THIS? I'm such a moron. well, I like it. And papa roach songs are hard to write to. but I really think this one fits Nny. Don't know if I did this right, but oh well. REVIEW!!! NOW, DAMNIT!!! ARGH!! OREOS! - CT 


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